I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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