Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
