Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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