Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize