she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
