I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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