you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she peed on how many people?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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