He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize