yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
