I puked a lego.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
