ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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