I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
