Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize