Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Randomize