I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
