just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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