Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
