Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
