He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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