my phone needs a breathalizer
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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