You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
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