Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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