how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
