i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
