I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
