I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize