i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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