I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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