If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
