new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So much rum. So many feels.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
