Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I want a musical about memes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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