You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
