I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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