i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Please don't give away my fajitas
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
