so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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