When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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