if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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