so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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