Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
