it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
