her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
