what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
