I wannas sexs uuuuu
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize