I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
