paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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