You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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