from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
