i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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