Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize