Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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