Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
