I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
