What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His hands were made for my vagina.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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