Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
