I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
