Jerry, you need to find god
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
