I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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