p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
