Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
