if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
