My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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