Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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