I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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